Rehab, Yeah!
by Brie1
Summary: Something stupid.. uhm..a bunch of people in a rehab. Yeah. Have fun. >.>


Rehab, Yeah!  
  
AN-Ness: Uhm.. most of this are all inside jokes. but it's possibly funny anyway? All these people are real people. Brie is Me. Squab is squab. There is no evil potato anywhere in it, but who cares. So.. no takee and all will be toastee and quote-steelee. It's.. cold. Oh well. On with the shit - er, fic. n.n  
  
::Squab, Brie, Rach, Dani, Bethi, Apron Boy, Lighter Boy, Dan, Jackie, and Gina file into a room furnished only with folding chairs, and a sign that reads "April". Manley Pope follows them and shuts the door behind them.::  
  
MP: Hi, and welcome to Mahopac Center for Adolescents Who Can't Think Good and Do Drugs. (MCAWCTGDD) We'll just call it MCA for short. Anyway, you all are group three point five. (3.5) First off, we will introduce ourselves.  
  
"Squab"  
  
"Rachel."  
  
"Gina."  
  
"Marky."  
  
"Dani"  
  
"Bethi."  
  
"Hi, I'm Jackie! Ich bin froh, ich bin froh!"  
  
"Apron. Boy."  
  
MP: (cutting off rest) I'm God. Let's begin.  
  
::Manley Pope then leads the group in a stupid song about there being no day but yesterday.::  
  
Manley Pope: Okay, now, I'm going to have conferences with each of you, to diagnose your problems... First on the list: Beth.  
  
::Manley Pope and Beth go off into a corner of the room::  
  
MP: Give me your full name, please.  
  
Beth: Bethi Dubon, at your service, sir!  
  
MP: Uh-huh. Age?  
  
B: Sixteen.  
  
MP: Rrright. Excuse me, if I'm off track, but if you're so wise, then tell me- why do you need smack?  
  
B: Smack? What's smack? ::sticks safety pin threw hole in ear::  
  
MP: Okay, you're diagnosed... Next.  
  
~~~ Fifty minutes later ~~~  
  
S: Ich heisse Yhoda. Ich bin aus China.  
  
MP: Ich spreche Espanol. Speak English, or I'll poke you with a spork. Do you do drugs?  
  
S: ::sarcastically:: Sure, I do drugs. I do crack, and potpourri, and squeegies... ::not sarcastically:: Yes, I do drugs.  
  
MP: I see...  
  
~~~Next day~~~  
  
::MP reads his diagnosis aloud from a folder marked "Hot pickles. Do not disturb"::  
  
MP: Beth. You have a very dangerous addiction to safety pins, and chocolate. You are also suicidal and a necropheliac. Squab. You have a hemp/cheetos/AOHell/ kaiser roll addiction. Apparently, you have no actual drug problem at all.  
  
Squab: ::sputters:: What?!  
  
MP: However, you are narcissistic, and quite possibly borderline and schizophrenic. I'm not sure why you're here at all. Rachi, you have an unnatural obsession with cucumbers, and are paranoid and a cannibal. Apparently, you eat other oranges. Tsk, tsk. Rubber ducky, you're the one. You make bathtime lots of fun. Rubber ducky, I'm awfully fond of you. Doo doo doo doo doo. Ahem. Brianna, you have a serious drug problem, so we'll put you on meds. You also have Serial Hugging Disorder. (SHD) Danielle- You've been a perfect friend.. . I hate to see us part, old pal, someday I'll buy you back... I'll see you soon again... I hope that when I do... It won't be on a- You need to quit it with the lip gloss, and you're also addicted to a certain Apron Boy. It says here... The average unmarried female... You are a lesbian Buddhist Jew. Not a good combination, old buddy old pal.  
  
Gina, you also have a drug problem, as you frequently get high off of cough syrup, and have been addicted to codeine for the past three years. You are suicidal, but that doesn't matter. DXM is the most powerful of all the hallucinogenic drugs, but you'll get over that, as there are no frozen meatballs here.  
  
Jackie, you have been a heroin addict for the past five years, and smoke crack in your free time. You shoot H three times a day. What do you have to say for yourself?!  
  
Jackie: ::Blinks confusedly:: Was?!  
  
MP: You are also bipolar and schizo.  
  
Mr. Apron Boy, it's not good to be allergic to Beth. She's everywhere, and Claritin doesn't help. I mean addicted. Whatever. Screw the Toto clock, I'm going home. ::MP produces an insulin needle from his coat pocket and hands it to Jackie, who uses it as a hairpin:: Anyway, you're a rapist, and a cannibal. Whatever.  
  
Now Lighter Boy, you're just the classic sadistic junkie, and Dan, you're just a pothead who can't type. I really don't give a flying popcorn kernel's uncle about you.  
  
You are free to do whatever the fuck you want for the rest of your stay here, but if you so much as breathe on what you are addicted to during your eight month stay here, you'll be forced to wear tights on your head and juggle flying saucers from Carvel. It be very humiliating, indeedey do.  
  
~~ Sign gets changed to May~~  
  
::Squab stops in the middle of a crowded hallway and rolls a joint. She produces a panda Zippo lighter from her jeans pocket. She has stolen it from LB - I hate him. A nurse walks by, and takes the "killer weed" from Squab::  
  
Nurse: Squab, you can't have that, you don't have a drug problem. ::Nurse walks away.:: ::Squab glares at her back, frustrated::  
  
~~Sign changed to June~~  
  
::Apron Boy bumps into Beth, who promptly slaps him and runs away screaming for her barber. Stupid monitor lady runs out, throws tights on AB's head, slaps him with a dead fish, and wanders off. AB stands there, all confused- like, and then continues on his way, juggling flying saucers.::  
  
Brie: Does this make you.. Tight Boy or something? Cause you're not wearing an apron.  
  
Squab: ::Slaps Brie for being an idiot who cant write and is high on a mint laced with something.::  
  
Brie: So, Squab, have you gotten back together with Panda Man yet?  
  
Squab: No. He cheated on me again, with AB!  
  
AB: No one was supposed to know! :Runs out crying, but trips over his foot and gets ice cream in his face.::  
  
Brie: ::Mutters:: Panda rapist...  
  
::Dani runs by, screaming out lyrics from Piano Man, with the nurse chasing after her. Turns out she also had an addiction to Billy Joel songs, and the Nurse was determined to break it. Yeah. MP walks back in, dragging Alex by the collar, and, guess who, MARK MCGRATH! Woo.::  
  
MP: Alex, you're a pothead who can't type sorta thing, and has an obsession with drawing shrooms with Rich. Go.. inside and be.. cleaned of your addictiony sin thing. Mr. McGrath, you have an addiction to singing crappy songs. So.. have fun. Go talk to the Billy Joel girl.  
  
::MP walks out, rolling a joint.::  
  
AB: I'm gonna go lecture people about drugs that I've never tried and don't understand because I'm weird!  
  
LB: ::Whaps AB over the head with a brick, and throws him through the "May" sign. Wait, it says June, so.. that one instead.::  
  
~~Sign Changes to that month after June. Wassit, Apr - July!~~  
  
Brie & Squab: I'm Saaaaaaaaaancho, yeeees I'm Saaaaaaaancho!  
  
AB: I'll.. bleh bnleh... enene..  
  
Dani: Follow my master to the end! I'll tell all the world proudly!  
  
Sancho the Squirrel making a Guest Appearence: I'm his squirrel, I'm his friend! o.o  
  
Mark McGrath: ::Drags Brie off, not realizing she semi-taken or some shit like that::  
  
Brie: ::Is dragged off? Is having an affair? Runs away screaming about 30- somthing year old rapists.::  
  
::Alex gets caught trying to smoke the "killer weed" - oregano. Or however it's spelled. The Nurse ties him to a chair with tights and shoves a brownie in his mouth, not realizing it was one of Squab's. Brie and other people climb out on the roof that had better exist, and sing borng songs. The nurse runs out, and punishes them by tying them to ceiling fans for the rest of the month. Or something like that them there.::  
  
~~Sign magically says that month after the one before the middle of the year. I think.~~  
  
MP: ::Pulling them down from the fans:: Well, you've made it this far, and you only have.. 3 months left, unless we dropped one because we can't remember them correctly, as the writer is an idiot. So. Some kid outside told me he knew you, and gave me these open mints as a gift. So, here you are! ::Gives everyone one of Rich's mints, resulting in the weird high thing because no one knows what's in them.:: Bye, my buddy-things!  
  
::Beth runs around screaming that Dani has become a giant saftey pin (chocolate flavored.). Alex, Brie, Squab, LB, and anyone else who's tried drugs that I don't remember, sit in a circle, acting all high-ish. Whatever. Jackie spends an hour cuddling a frog-shaped pickle, and Rachel dresses an orange in a frilly pink skirt. Rock. Skirt. Rock. Moo. What follows is some singing, and then some "Happy Hoppy" song things, until everyone falls asleep from ceiling fans.::  
  
MP: ::Walks in, Grabs Mark McGrath, and drags him out of the rehab for trying to rape AB.::  
  
Beth: ::Wakes up and runs around, screaming in a funny voice "A rehab, a rehab!!". Runs into a wall, knocking her out for the rest of the month.::  
  
~~Lost track of months, but it's the next one.~~  
  
AB: Ich probiere eine T-shirt, und einen Rock, und eine Turnshuhe an!  
  
Brie: You just said something along the lines of "I try on a t-shirt, skirt, and sneaker. o.o  
  
AB: But I am!  
  
::Beth runs by, eating pink and black matches, spiking the ketchup in the cafeteria. MP chases after her with a spork.::  
  
Squab: This product was made in a facility where nuts are also used.  
  
Brie: ::Following Alex around:: I'm sure it is.  
  
Squab: I wanna ride a horse across the top of a building!  
  
MP ::Runs back in, singing "I believe I can fly". Runs out.::  
  
Nurse: I do believe that this is time to take you all out. :Goes all kung- fu combined with the matrix - ey, and backflips through them all, knocking each out with a simple tap to the back of the head with a flyswatter. They all collapse.: (Woo-hoo. Easy way for the author to remember where she left off in the fic!)  
  
Nurse: Have a nice sleep. :Finds MP, grabs him by the collar, and drags him out of the room, locking the door.:  
  
~~Sign Changes to Septemper - w00t!!~~  
  
MP: :Takes out clipboard and little manella folders with files labled "Poisonus Kangaroo" and such, and lays it on the desk before him as he sits down.: Now.. uh.. I think we kept you here too long, but I lost count, so we're just letting you go now. But first we have to evaluate your problems and make sure you no longer fit under the catigory of and Adolecant who Can't Think Good and Does Drugs. Cause.. yeah. Now, for the reviews...  
  
Beth, as you went insane and stabbed yourself multiple times with a saftey pin, we concider you fine, now! As.. you're wrapped up in batteries - er, bandages.. Or something.. Yeah. Since you're in a full-body cast and can no longer move, you're free to go.  
  
Squab.. You're perfectly fine! No drug problem.. and since we burned all the hemp up and figured out that an addiction to kaiser rolls isn't bad, we're letting you go. Congrats! - Have a pickle. n.n  
  
Uhm.. Rach.. yeah. You're staying here. Nurse Bob saw you eat an orange peel yesterday - we need to get this canibalism thing taken care of right away!  
  
Brianna, as you failed your drug test, but had a real excuse for it, we're letting you go. And your SHD has now been toned down to only OHD. (Obsessive Hugging Disorder). So.. you can go too. The rest of you are fine, too. Except for Mark McGrath. He gets to stay here forever, as he has an addiction to singing bad songs that aren't anywhere near as good as the first CD. So.. Get out of here.  
  
All: :Cricket, cricket..:  
  
MP: GET OUT!  
  
::Everyone scampers out, and the nurse locks the door::  
  
Nurse: FREEDOM! WOO!  
  
::Suddenly cops burst in::  
  
Mr. Pope, you're arrested for being an insane maniac who pretended to run a rehab and torturing little people named Melivin. Now, come quietly and step into the car..  
  
MP: Car? Is it the Pope-Mobile!! YAY! MOMMY, I'M COMMIN HOME! :Dashes out and dives through the door, head-first, into the car. He happens to get stuck and lays there, gigling like a little school girl. The cops promptly handcuff his feet to the outside of her the door. They step into the car and drive off happily, while MP bobs his feet singing the CSI theme song.:: Whoooooo are you, who-who, who-who, whooooooo are yoooooooou...  
  
Jackie: Did I have a line in that at all?  
  
Brie: Maybe. Who care.s. I took this fic over, so NYAH! o.o  
  
-Fin.  
  
Ain't it great? Squab started it, but I finished it, so.. NYAH! o.o I got a new word. :Childish giggle: Nyah... hehe.. o.o REVIEW OR DIE. n.n Or.. Review or I'll write more evil shit! Nyah! :Starwars theme thingy: Nyah NYAH, nyah nyah nyah NYAH nyah, nyah nyah nyah NYAH nyah, nyah nyah nyah nyaaaaah....  
  
Moo with me. 


End file.
